Date Smart: How to Spot a Cheater
Understanding the Signs of Infidelity From a Mile Away
Written By: Carrin Adoma
Have you ever experienced infidelity in a romantic relationship? Were you left wondering where things went wrong? And what red flags or signs you missed?
According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, infidelity can be described as the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one's husband, wife, or partner; this includes physical, emotional, sexual, and cyber.
If you've ever experienced infidelity, you know the intense gut-wrenching feeling of betrayal and deception. Cheating hurts so much because it violates the expectations of the relationship, which is exclusivity and commitment. If you've ever been on the receiving end of infidelity, it is not your fault, and nothing is wrong with you; repeat after me, "it's you, not me."
You can't predict when your significant other will cheat, and there are no physical warning signs to spot a cheater; it is all a risk one takes for love and connection. It sounds daunting (I know!); however, all is not lost.
But what if it is possible to spot a cheater or potential cheater by warning signs?
Attachment is one of the primary human needs; attachment style can be seen as a precursor for future connection and conduct in relationships. According to research, there is a link between infidelity and insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant). Secure attachment styles are based on a person's ability to trust and depend on others. People with insecure attachment styles tend to trust their partners less are less optimistic and supportive, leading to a breakdown in relationships. Those with a secure attachment know that they can trust their partner and believe they can positively work through issues. This is the opposite of insecure attachment styles affecting future relationship satisfaction and quality of life.
Insecure attachment styles can be further broken down into anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Anxious attachment style can be described by dependence; they crave validation from others and have a significant fear of abandonment. Those with an anxious attachment style tend to have a strong desire for commitment in relationships. Individuals with anxious attachment styles are insecure in their relationships because they often worry about their partners leaving them. Avoidant attachment style is described by people's fear of intimacy. People with avoidant attachment styles find it challenging to get close to others, trust others, and often feel suffocated in relationships. Fearful-avoidant attachment refers to both avoidant and anxious attachment styles, those with fearful-avoidant attachment styles tend to crave love and affection while avoiding it by all means. So, people with fearful-avoidant attachment styles are hesitant and apprehensive in romantic relationships; however, they desire to be loved by others.
Identifying your attachment style or your partners may bring clarity to some of the behaviour patterns, which can be defined as red flags. A partner with an avoidant attachment style fears intimacy, so he/she may behave in a way that is incongruent with wanting a relationship. A person with an avoidant attachment style may step out of their relationship to pursue other encounters (sexual, emotional etc.) to create distance between them and their partner, causing attachment avoidance.
Curious about your attachment style? Take the test here!
Ask questions about their childhood
Childhood experiences with caregiver's define and mimic adult relationships, so the quality of the relationship with the caregiver will determine the course and quality of future relationships. Asking questions about childhood experiences and relationships with family could assist with identifying attachment injuries. If a person tends to avoid or evade talking about childhood experiences; it could signify something deeper, supposedly trauma. If this person has not pursued professional help with those issues, those very issues can become insecurities manifesting into maladaptive behaviours such as infidelity (RED FLAG).
Get help!
Infidelity is complex because humans are complex. People cheat for a myriad of reasons mental health (narcissistic personality disorder), boredom, thrill, and commitment issues, to name a few. Being cheated on can affect mental health, including self-esteem and self-worth. Infidelity is a challenging issue to navigate, and the experience for both the cheater and the person that was cheated on can be traumatic, leaving lasting wounds.
Although there is a link between insecure attachment style and infidelity, having an insecure attachment does not mean you will cheat (you are not doomed!). It is not causal but merely suggests there is a correlation. If you have an insecure attachment style experience with infidelity, ¹ psychotherapy/individual counselling and CBT are all viable treatment options for exploration, cognitive restructuring/reframing, and coping strategies.
References
Adoma, C. (2014). Date smart: How to spot a cheater [Unpublished manuscript]. Department of Psychology, Carleton University.
Fonagy, P., Luyten, P., Allison, E., & Campbell, C. (2018). Reconciling psychoanalytic ideas with attachment theory. Guilford Press.
Hinnen, C., Sanderman, R., & Sprangers, M. A. G. (2009). Adult attachment as the mediator between recollections of childhood and satisfaction with life.
Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Infidelity definition & meaning. Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
Picture from redlotusflower.com The Feng Shui of Infidelity and faithfulness’ in love.
Thompson, R. A., Simpson, J. A., & Berlin, L. J. (2021). Attachment theory in the 21st century.