- Skye Saghar Javaheri
- 4 days ago
- 6 min read
Updated: 3 days ago
Spiraling vs. Thinking
What to Do When Thinking About a Problem Turns Into a Spiral?
Written By: Skye Saghar Javaheri
About the Author
Skye Saghar Javaheri, Master's of Social Work (Candidate), Administrative Student
No matter who you are, you have probably experienced stress before. Maybe it was about a test, work, public speaking or your health. Most of the time, stress comes and goes. Sometimes, though, that stress can turn into you spiraling at the absolute worst times, like at 2 am when you’re trying to sleep, or when you need to focus on a task right before a deadline.
It usually starts with a thought born from stress. You are lying awake thinking about a previously stressful situation, like maybe going on a second date with someone you feel a connection with, but are not sure if that connection is reciprocal. So you start thinking about it. You think back to the first date with this person. They were laughing at your jokes…was that laugh real? You lightly poked fun of a comment they said. Was that too much? Do they think you’re mean now? They did say they would be open to a second date, but was that just them letting you down more easily? Then you start thinking about other failed relationships and other times that you weren’t on your A-game when interacting with others. DING DING DING! CONGRATULATIONS! You are officially spiraling!
So what now? Maybe the best thing is to avoid stressful thoughts. If you don’t think, you can’t spiral right? Just bottle up all those stressful thoughts and feelings and bury them deep till one day you either die or something triggers them, Pandora’s box flies open, and now you can’t put everything back together…yeah. no. This also is not going to work.
So what do you do? Thinking can lead to spiraling, but avoiding the thought completely can create a ticking time bomb.
What if I told you that not all thinking in stressful situations leads to you spiraling about it? That there is a trick to stopping a spiral and turning it into productive thoughts? In the next few sections, I will do just that. Together we can turn the repetitive thoughts that make us miserable into productive thoughts that can lead us to find a solution, or at least help us feel a little less stuck.
Strategy 1: When Spiraling, Turn a “Why” Question Into a “How” Question
When spiraling, it is natural to think about the “why” of the issue. Asking why in and of itself is not a bad thing, but when you are anxious or stressed, those questions can start becoming really broad and negative. “Why am I like this?” can quickly turn into “Because I’m broken” or “No one can help me,” which just gives the spiral more fuel.
That does not mean “why” questions are always bad. Sometimes asking why can actually help you understand yourself better or come to some kind of realization. The problem is that when you are already deep in a spiral, “why” questions can become less about understanding and more about judging yourself.
Instead, try changing those “why” questions into “how” or “what” questions. And not just any “how” questions. Try to connect them to something you can actually do.
Instead of asking, “Why am I like this?” try asking, “How can I understand what is happening to me right now?” or “How can I handle this better next time?” You can also ask, “What can I do about this?” “What is the best way to approach this?” or even just, “What do I do next?”
The goal is not to completely ban the word “why.” It is to catch yourself when “why” starts turning into self-judgment and move toward a question that actually helps you go somewhere.
Strategy 2: When Spiraling, Try Naming the Actual Problem
When you are spiraling, your brain has a habit of making the problem way bigger than it actually is. Something small happens, and suddenly it is no longer “I said something awkward.” It becomes “I always mess things up,” “Everyone probably thinks I am weird,” or “There is something wrong with me.”
The problem with this is that you stop thinking about what actually happened and start turning one situation into a statement about who you are.
So ask yourself: what is the actual problem right now? What is the core problem that started this spiral?
Before trying to fix anything, bring the problem back down to earth.
Instead of “I ruin everything,” try “I said something I regret.”
Instead of “No one likes me,” try “I am worried that person might be upset with me.”
Instead of “I am a failure,” try “I did badly on this one thing.”
It is important to know that by doing this, you are not actually trying to make the situation sound better than it is. You are just trying to describe what actually happened without adding ten extra layers of self-judgment on top of it.
Remember: The more specific you can make the problem, the easier it becomes to actually do something about it.
Take our first example. You are wondering if the person you went on a date with is open to going on a second date. Is that the issue? If so, the very simple solution is to ask the person out on a second date and see what they say.
But that is not the real issue, is it?
The issue is that you don’t want to be rejected. You want to go out with this person, but you also do not want to make yourself emotionally vulnerable and get hurt doing so. There is the real conflict.
Once you identify that conflict, then you can start asking questions that actually help.
“Is the pain of rejection bearable?”
“If it’s going to truly hurt me, is there someone I can go to afterwards that would make me feel better?”
“What activities can I do to pick myself up if their answer is negative?”
Once you know what you are actually afraid of, it becomes a lot easier to figure out what to do with that fear.
Strategy 3: If There Is No Solution for This Problem, Consider Disengaging
I know, I know. Earlier I said that shoving stressful thoughts into a mental basement and pretending they do not exist is probably not the best strategy. This is different. You are not running away from the problem. You looked at it, tried to figure out what you could do, and realized that right now there might simply be nothing you can do.
Not every problem has an answer you can get right now.
Let’s say you did ask the person out and they left you on read. Not even an answer, just an empty silence. Now what? Was it something you said? Will they answer you back later? Should you wait for their response or just treat it as a rejection?
The truth is, you do not have the right answers to this at the moment. They might answer you back at some point, or they might not. Only time will tell, and that means you have to sit in this state of uncertainty for a while. That can be uncomfortable and lead to more spiraling.
You might never know why someone rejected you, or why a person seems to hate your guts for seemingly no reason. It is natural to spiral about these things because our brains desire closure. We want the missing piece of the puzzle. We want enough information to finally make everything make sense.
But if you do not have access to that missing piece, sitting there staring at the puzzle is not going to magically make it appear.
At some point, you have to acknowledge that you just do not have enough information to solve the problem right now.
At this point, thinking is no longer productive.
Try asking yourself, “Is there actually anything I can do about this right now?”
If the answer is yes, figure out the next step.
If the answer is no, then the next step might actually be leaving it alone.
That does not mean you do not care. It does not mean the problem is unimportant. It just means you have reached the point where thinking about it more is not giving you anything new.
Maybe later you can come back to it. Maybe your brain needs some rest, or maybe you need more information before there is anything else to figure out.
Acknowledge that it sucks to not know, and try to accept that currently you cannot do anything about it. You do not deserve to torture yourself trying to finish a puzzle when you are still missing pieces.
Sometimes simply admitting, “I cannot solve this right now,” is the best action you can take.
Final Remarks
I want to acknowledge that none of this is as easy as I am making it sound on paper. Catching yourself in the middle of a spiral and changing the way you are thinking takes practice, and these strategies might not work for everyone.
Sometimes you also need another person to help you untangle what is going on in your head. Talking to a professional can help you figure out what is actually underneath the spiral and find ways of dealing with it that work for you. If you think that could help, consider booking a session using the button below.
More About Skye
Skye is pursuing her Masters in Social Work (MSW) and completing her final practicum at Therapy Uninterrupted. She is completing an administrative practicum with the clinic to work towards pursuing her future career in social work.
References
Watkins, E. R. (2008). Constructive and Unconstructive Repetitive Thought. Psychological Bulletin, 134(2), 163–206. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.134.2.163
