- Carrin Adoma
- Aug 14
- 3 min read
The Art of Confrontation
Speak Your Truth Without Sparking a Fight: The Confrontation Model for Calm, Clear Conversations
Written By: Carrin Adoma
Confrontation often gets a bad reputation. For many of us, the very thought of it brings up tension, anxiety, or a mental list of times it didn’t go well. But here’s the truth: when done with intention and care, confrontation isn’t about conflict, it’s about clarity. It’s a conversation that protects your peace, strengthens your boundaries, and deepens trust in your relationships.
In my work with clients, I often use a simple, three-step tool called The Confrontation Model. This model guides you from understanding your emotions to finding practical solutions, without drama or defensiveness.
Step 1: How Do I Feel? (Self-Awareness)
Start by checking in with yourself. Ask yourself:
What emotions am I feeling?
Where do I feel them in my body?
How is the other person's words or actions affecting me?
Self-awareness here is key. If you’re not connected to your own feelings, the conversation can quickly turn into blame or defensiveness. Using "I" statements "I felt dismissed when"…, "I noticed I was frustrated because"… this makes space for the other person to listen without feeling attacked.
Step 2: Why Should They Care? (Empathy)
Next, think about why the other person should understand your experience. This step is about building a bridge. Ask yourself:
What do they have to gain from hearing me?
Is there common ground between us?
Framing your perspective to connect with shared values or goals invites collaboration, rather than confrontation. This shifts the focus from "me versus you" to "we’re in this together."
Step 3: What Do I Need Them to Do Differently? (Assertiveness)
Finally, be clear about what change would help you feel respected or supported. Too often, people express hurt but leave the other person guessing about how to make it right. Assertiveness here is about clarity, not control.
What action or behavior change would help?
How can you phrase it to focus on solutions?
When you clearly name the behavior you'd like to see, you create a path to resolving issues rather than holding onto resentment.
3 Common Mistakes People Make When Confronting Others
Even with the best intentions, we sometimes fall into habits that make it harder for the other person to hear us:
1. Leading with blame. Statements like "You always…" or "You never…" it may trigger defensiveness.
2. Being vague. If the other person doesn't know what you're asking for, they can’t change.
3. Waiting too long. Delaying the conversation often makes it more emotional than it needs to be.
The Confrontation Model helps you avoid these traps by encouraging self-awareness, empathy, and specificity.
Confrontation as an Act of Self-Love
Speaking up for yourself is not selfish, it shows self-respect. Healthy boundaries say, "I value myself enough to be honest about my needs, and I value you enough to share it with care."
When we use emotional intelligence in our confrontations, we protect our peace without harming our connections. We shift from fear of conflict to confidence in communication.
Your Courage Muscle
Like any skill, healthy confrontation becomes easier with practice. Each time you use this model, you improve your ability to honor your feelings, express your needs, and maintain respectful relationships.
Your boundaries are a gift, to yourself and to those who care about you.
If you'd like to download the Confrontation Model Worksheet (which was created by our Clinic Director Haley) for free, follow the button below and head to the submission box at the bottom of the page!
