- Carrin Adoma
- 5 days ago
- 3 min read
Vulnerability: What We Think It Is Versus What It Actually Is
Why We Benefit So Much More Than We Think From Vulnerability
Written By: Carrin Adoma
Vulnerability is one of those words that gets used a lot in therapy, on social media, in dating conversations, yet so few people feel confident they’re actually doing it.
Many of my clients come into therapy saying, “I’m very vulnerable,” until we slow down and look at what vulnerability truly involves. What often emerges is a quiet realization: being open, self-aware, or expressive isn’t the same as being emotionally vulnerable.
So let’s break it down, simply, honestly, and in real-life terms.
What Most People Think Vulnerability Is
Most people associate vulnerability with:
Talking openly about their past
Sharing trauma or difficult experiences
Being emotionally expressive
Being “an open book”
Admitting flaws or struggles
These things can involve vulnerability, but on their own, they often fall into something else. This is where confusion begins.
What Vulnerability Is Not
Before we define what vulnerability actually is, it’s important to name what it isn’t.
Vulnerability is not:
Trauma Dumping: Sharing intense personal experiences without emotional containment, consent, or awareness of the listener’s capacity.
Emotional Flooding: Releasing emotions in a way that feels overwhelming, dysregulated, or reactive rather than intentional.
Oversharing: Disclosing personal information without emotional risk or relational relevance.
Intellectualizing Emotions: Talking about feelings rather than expressing them.
Being “Open” After the Fact: Sharing emotions once they’re already resolved, processed, or no longer risky.
These behaviors may appear vulnerable on the surface, but they often serve as forms of emotional release or self-protection rather than risking being truly seen.
What Vulnerability Actually Is
At its core, vulnerability is very simple, and very uncomfortable. Vulnerability is allowing yourself to be emotionally seen while the outcome is still uncertain.
Vulnerability is:
Emotional Honesty: Naming what you actually feel, not what sounds acceptable, polished, or convenient.
Real-Time Expression: Sharing emotions as they are happening, not after they’ve been fully processed or resolved.
Uncertainty: Not knowing how the other person will respond, and staying present anyway.
Risk: Allowing for the possibility of misunderstanding, disappointment, rejection, or emotional impact.
Authentic Presence: Showing up as you are, without performing, managing, or protecting the connection.
If there is no emotional risk; no possibility of being misunderstood; rejected or impacted, it’s probably not vulnerability.
What Vulnerability Looks Like in Real Time: The 4-Step Formula
One of the most helpful tools I use with clients is a simple framework for how to be vulnerable not just talk about it.
The 4-Step Vulnerability Formula
Name the Emotion
(Not the thought. Not the story.)
Examples:
“I feel hurt.”
“I feel anxious.”
“I feel scared.”
“I feel disappointed.”
Name the Moment or Trigger
Brief, neutral, and specific.
Examples:
“When I didn’t hear back…”
“When that plan changed…”
“When that was said…”
Name the Impact
What it brought up emotionally.
Examples:
“It made me feel unsure where I stand.”
“It brought up insecurity for me.”
“I felt disconnected.”
Name the Risk or Need (Optional, but Powerful)
This is where true vulnerability lives.
Examples:
“I’m nervous saying this.”
“I don’t know how you’ll respond.”
“What I need right now is reassurance.”
“I care more than I usually admit.”
Vulnerability is what allows intimacy, trust, and emotional safety to form, not perfection, independence, or self-sufficiency.
(Note: The 4-step vulnerability framework presented here is an integrative clinical tool informed by attachment theory, emotion-focused therapy, and trauma-informed practice.)
A Gentle Invitation
If you’re reading this and realizing:
You’re not sure you’ve ever been truly vulnerable
Vulnerability feels confusing or unsafe
You tend to intellectualize or minimize your emotions
You want deeper connection but don’t know how to allow it
You’re not alone, and nothing is “wrong” with you.
These patterns are often learned, and they can be unlearned with support.
If vulnerability feels difficult or unfamiliar, therapy can help you explore it safely, at your pace.
If you’d like support navigating vulnerability, emotional expression, or relationship patterns, reach out to me to learn more about working together. Find my name in our team's calendar using the button below.
References
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
Greenberg, L. S. (2015). Emotion-focused therapy: Coaching clients to work through their feelings. American Psychological Association.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
